Have you ever tried to forget something but find that it's just lodged inside your brain and that there's no way of forgetting it completely? You may be wondering why I'm asking this but it's because I can't forget about someone I was once close to, but now, it seems as if we're complete strangers.
So, you already know that I met a girl a week ago and I thought that she was really pretty from the moment I saw her. I talked to a friend about it and she kept on telling me to go for the girl if I really like her that much. I thought for a bit at the time and now I'm coming to realise that I do like her a lot, I can't wait until the next time I see her which is in 2 weeks, and right now, the 2 weeks seems like forever. But, the thing is, I'm haunted by my past, I'm just so scared what happened to me last time will happen again, it's like saying that I can already see the end before we've even began.
I know that thinking like this is very wrong, but I can't think of it any other way. The end is always inevitable.
If you take the chorus and the rap parts of this song apart, it kind of shows how it is with me. The chorus being what I feel about the girl and the rapping being what I feel about my past.
I'm trying not to remember but it's difficult, time may help, but it's going to take a while.
So, just another update of what I've been doing this half term, but in particular, today. This morning I woke up extra early, cos I couldn't sleep until 4am and I woke up at 6am D: I was just getting ready for my last day of my internship at a law firm and I was really tired :( So, I got on my tube at the usual time...during rush hour and as usual, I got to work 5 minutes late >.< thankfully, my manager didn't care, cos she's really nice, the chair was late, and the CEO is currently abroad. :)
The day dragged on and I was literally dead cos I was so bored...but then lunch came :) and my manager wanted to give me an appraisal during lunch, so she decided to treat me in a Vietnamese restaurant, the food there was GREAT and I was so full. The appraisal wasn't bad, she said that my minutes were really good (YAY!! I spent ages on it). After all that, she said to me "Zi, let's go have some dessert" and I was like "you're kidding me right? how can you eat dessert after that lunch?" so she said, "you know I eat a lot, don't you see me eating every single minute of the day?" and I was like "yeah.."
I changed my mind, which is something I don't often do. I changed my mind cos the cakes were freaking awesome! They looked and, of course, tasted delicious. I told her about girls and problems and drinking while we were eating cake..which I soon realised was a big mistake, cos she kept teasing me about the girl (in my previous post) and she said that she wouldn't buy me any alcoholic food or drink. So, I said that my cake had a hint of alcohol in it, it also had nuts, which she's allergic to, just to tease her :')
Another few hours passed and I found out that my friend from my old church also worked in the same law firm as me, except he was on the ground floor while I was on the 3rd floor :/ So we went out for dinner in HK cafe xD just to catch up. Then, my friend told me that he was in central so he came and found me, we said a few words to each other and then he left to have dinner himself.
After dinner, I went to camden to just chill and relieve some stress, so I went to a bar to get a pint of beer xD I asked for a pint and I got one, apparently, I looked old enough LOL xD I posted on facebook that I was in camden and Wendy saw.. so she just told me to go home cos she didn't want anything to happen to me :)
That was my day.
PS. about that girl I was talking about in my last post, I accidentaly mentioned her to my manager during lunch D: she kept asking me questions like "are you gonna ask her out" so I had to answer her to stop her constant bombardment of questions xD So I said to her, "I like the girl, a lot, but I just feel that she deserves a better person than me. I want to keep her as a friend because I wouldn't be able to withstand losing her. It's a bit like saying that I can see the end before we even begin." So my manager replied by saying, "It looks like you're making her choices for her, it's her decision that matters. You know very well that young love does not last, but you can't stop going into relationships due to your fear of losing your friend, with life, comes suffering, with suffering comes experience, you'll understand later."
So, just telling you guys what I did this Valentine's day... The day started off pretty badly, because firstly, I didn't sleep until 4am and I woke up at 6am to get ready to go to Birmingham. I had to go to Birmingham because of my job and all I did there was just to take minutes for a 3 hour meeting, which was pretty exhausting D:
Originally, I planned to go to central with Wendy, David and a couple of their friends to watch 'The Woman in Black' but I couldn't..sad times :( So, I said that I would meet them at the stickies place when I got back :)
So, I went up to the stickies place and I didn't see them, so I thought "awhh crap, too late" *sad face* :( So I decided to call Wendy to see whether they already went home or whether they were still in central. I called a couple of times but she didn't pick up ¬,¬ so I texted her and she didn't reply -_- so I waited outside for about 10 minutes and then she called back saying that they were taking pictures so she couldn't answer the phone. So I was like "ahss okay don't worry" :')
As I went up to them, I saw a familiar face, she was really pretty, no, beautiful is the correct term...and naturally, I was speechless :') Those of you who know me well, know that I'm pretty useless and shy around pretty girls ;)
So, after we left the stickies place, we walked around Chinatown and then ended up in Troc under. We hung out there for about 10 minutes. I was the only one that stood while the others sat down on the floor. I didn't sit down due to 3 main reasons: 1) If I was to sit down, I would have to sit down next to the pretty girl because if I sat next to one of the guys, I would either be facing his back or I would be sitting in the middle of the path. As you already know, I'm shy around pretty girls. 2) I didn't wanna ruin my suit 3) I had been sitting down for 6 hours so I wanted to stand LOL :')
Tbh, I would have liked it if we stayed out for dinner, but they had to go home, so I decided to go home as well. The other guys and I were going on the northern line but the pretty girl was on the jubilee line so I made up a stupid reason so that I could go on the jubilee line with her but then the other guys tagged along ¬,¬ but it was okay as long as the pretty girl wasn't alone. So, as we got closer to the last stop, the guys left and I was alone with her in the carriage with only one stop to go..
I started talking, just asking a few questions about her, just to break the silence and when she spoke, her voice was so gentle, delicate...elegant. And then we got to our stop, we walked slowly out of the station, silent. As we got to the exit, she said that she was going to wait for her parents to pick her up from there. I really regretted what I back then...I left her and I got on my bus home. I felt that I should have waited with her until her parents came, because it was dark and it the station isn't really the safest place after dark. But none of that happened, I didn't even give her a hug before I left, while the others did. :( But the time has passed, I'll just have to make it up in the future.
So, to sum up my feelings that day, I felt really happy, that is all. LOL. xD
But the girl...her laughs are cute and I really really really like her but I just feel that I'm not worthy of her. I know there's no such thing as perfection but she's so damn close to it. Now, you maybe thinking why don't I just ask her out? Well, let's just say that IF she doesn't reject me, I don't want to lose her as a friend, you know, "once lovers but now strangers". I've experienced that and it's not great. But on the other hand, if she likes me, then it's a different matter, if she comes up and tells me, then I'm really screwed because, well, I don't want to upset her but I don't want to go into a relationship and ultimately lose her, such a dilemma :S
So, I'm seeing her for a friend's birthday, let's hope it goes well..
Hi guys, just an update telling you what I've been up to lately. After, that dreadful Sunday, school was normal, boring. Then, on Saturday, I arranged to meet up with Wendy (view her blog here) for a drink and just to talk about life, she brought her friend along and we had a good time walking around Harrow, except there was nothing much to do there.. but she has really helped me lately and I just wanted to say,
Hey everyone, I know that I haven't blogged for absolutely agess, so I should tell you what I have been doing these past few weeks :)
Let's start off from where I remember, 2 weeks ago, on Friday, I went to a CNY(Chinese New Year) party, dressed up all smart in a suit and I didn't really expect money but I got quite a lot :D Also, some guy offered me a job in a law firm and naturally, I said, "Are you kidding me? Of course I'll take it!" :') so yeah, I was pretty happy but then he said that I had to do something for him first. The thing he wanted me to do was to work backstage for a radio station event in Chinatown, just to help out with performances and everything, so I said, "meh, might as well, doesn't sound too bad, I might meet new people as well." and we arranged to meet two days later.
So, I didn't do anything on the Saturday and the thing was on Sunday, so I'll skip straight to Sunday. :) I arranged to meet the guy at 10am in Chinatown but he didn't turn up until 10 30... -_- but I didn't really mind cos I'm a nice guy . Surprisingly I saw a friend from my school working there and I started to feel more welcome. So, I met loads of new people, but I forgot their names as soon as I met them... They were all in uni and I started to feel a little out of place as I haven't even Done my GCSE's yet :S but they were all really nice to me :) The event lasted about 4 hours and at one point I had to get into an inflatable dragon costume and go up on stage -_- but it wasn't too bad cos nobody could see my face.
I left at about 2pm to meet up with my friend at LV and things started to go downhill from there on, I really regretted not staying at the event for another two hours partly because they all got free dinner AND they met Gok Wan T.T and partly because of what I'm about to tell you...
So I got to LV after a long trek cos loads of roads were blocked and the streets were packed with people that I couldn't even move... LV was all right, I played a bit of pool and my friend introduced me to two of his friends who were really safe guys and I was enjoying my time. Then, my friend asked me if I would go to dinner with him and naturally I asked who else was going, he then said that my ex was going as well, I was thinking "no,no,no,no,no" but then I said "yes" for some reason and I soon realised that saying "yes" was the second biggest mistake I've ever made in my life (I'll leave you to think of the BIGGEST mistake I've ever made). So, my ex came down the stairs into LV and I don't know how to explain the feeling I had at the time, I felt happy because I hadn't seen her for ages but I felt sad because....I don't know, it's complicated. I told my friend that I was going out for some fresh air cos I needed some. But then they all decided to follow me and my ex and her friends said that they wanted to get some drinks from Loon Fung, while my friends and I went to get some alcohol. after all that, we met at Maccy Ds.
We walked to troc under to chill for a bit and then we just walked around troc until my friend wanted to drink a little. At that point, we left and went to Trafalgar Square and my ex and her friends were just following us but I sensed that they didn't want to be with us (maybe because of me). They left after five or ten minutes to go to some place and then my friends and I were deciding where to have dinner, in central or in Edgware, since I was the only one who lives close to Edgware, I decided that it was easier for my other friends to go home after dinner if we had it in central.
We walked to Hi Sushi while being a bit tipsy and I found out that my ex was having dinner there with her friends and another guy. I tried not to care, but I just couldn't take my eyes off her.. them. She was happier, much happier, she was feeding him and having fun. I kept drinking more and more just to try and suppress my feelings but it didn't work and I also got more and more drunk. my new friend that my friend introduced me to kept saying that he would help me "bang him up" if I wanted to, but, I'm not a violent guy so I just ignored him. I really wanted to talk to her and her new boyfriend, I just had to tell him not to hurt her, not to break her heart, but my friends stopped me.
The bill was about 60 or 70 pounds and we all just chipped in some money and left for LV. Apparently, I walked into some stranger and just stared at him and just walked on but I don't recall that happening. Being drunk and all that, I walked into LV with my friends and the first person I saw was my ex, I don't even know why cos she was sitting in the corner, but she was just like a magnet that attracted my eyes. My friend and I played a game of pool to take my mind off my ex but it just didn't work.
I don't really remember much after that except being on the tube platform and arriving at home where I started to cry and basically I didn't get any sleep that night (as usual).
So, Monday, school as usual, my friends said that I looked a complete mess but tbh I didn't feel anything.
So, yeah, that was the reason I regretted not staying at the event where I could have had a little fun. Tbh I know why my friends didn't tell me that my ex has a new boyfriend, but they don't know me well enough to know that I'm a guy that prefers the truth even if it hurts me.
Sorry if that was depressing, but I just had to get it out of my head.
Btw I'm not going to do that quote thing any more, sorry if you liked it but I doubt that any of you did.
